things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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