I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
