You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
