1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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