Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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