Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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