ya dads aren't the best wingmen
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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