life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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