quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
