dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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