I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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