No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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