based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
