I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize