I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
