there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
