you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my shit smells like andre
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
