I just threw up on my dentist
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
