fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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