Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
