I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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