i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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