listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize