it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
