yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
