I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
