he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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