Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
