You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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