i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
