last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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