i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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