She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
