she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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