everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
