Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
