i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
