im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
