I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
