Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We need to get me chipped asap
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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