dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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