Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize