there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
