you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
