my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
