I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
