News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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