can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
