Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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