Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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