You really coming over, don't trick.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
