I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
