I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
