just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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