Cold hands, warm shart.
so let's talk penis.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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