I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize