Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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