Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
