i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
