It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I puked a lego.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
