why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
