as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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