She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
