I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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