Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
