I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
